Hednesford 08:00

The long-running court case involving infamous Newsgroup footballing
outfit, UKSF XI, was finally concluded this morning, with the judge,
Mr. Justice Berrington, QC, clearing the side to continue playing
football matches.

Details of the case, which was heard in a closed courtroom to deflect
overwhelming media attention, are scarce, but it is believed that the
charges related to a 'bonding weekend' in February before the notorious
cancelled match with Schalke 05. The awayday, organised partly by
manager Tommo, but with arrangements made by the UKSF Travel Club, said
to have links to the alleged 'UKSF Headhunters', resulted in the
temporary disappearance of several members of the first team, a
mysterious fire in a Bremen nightclub, the evacuation of Dusseldorf
city centre, the arrest of veteran captain Paul C for taking a vehicle
without consent, and the temporary declaration of war between
Wolverhampton and Germany.

The hearing was disrupted early on when uksf playmaker Michael
Cunningham declared himself 'offended' by the judge's questioning. When
asked 'Are you Michael Cunningham?', the blurry comic professed himself
appalled that the Mr. Justice Berrington had not attended any of his
award winning stand-up shows, nor purchased a best-selling DVD. Further
delays came as a result of squad member Cypher's deposition, which
lasted over 23 days, although the judge admitted that some of the DIY
tips were 'interesting', UKSF goalkeepers Os's testimony, which
consisted mainly of pictures of his house, and the difficulty of
interpreting the statement of recuperating UKSF defender Kullrad's,
which he insisted be 'communicated through the medium of Slayer'. The
whole UKSF squad were asked to give testimony, although proceeding had
to be temporarily moved to Scotland for after Robert Poleson
successfully argued that it was 'unusual effort' to force him to go all
the way to Hednesford to testify. A team of scientists are still
working around the clock in an effort to comprehend Skyjam's statement.

Said UKSF XI manager Tommo, '180!!one!!! I'm obviously delighted that
we are now allowed to fulfil fixtures once more, and I hope to be able
to get a team out in the very near future. Great darts!'. He then went
off to play some pub rock.

UKSF Travel Club spokesperson roondog said in a prepared statement,
'The UKSF Travel Club are very glad that this case is resolved in
favour of the XI, and we look forward to future matches. We continue to
work with the police to stamp out the scourge of football violence, and
we invite 100 handy lads to the car park of the local industrial estate
to discuss the matter further. No scarfers.'

Youksef Divided manager Ben Nunn refused to speak to the press
following the case, and is believed to have complained to UEFA head
Sepp Blatter concerning what he feels to be a 'conspiracy'. Although
the split has now been formally confirmed, the side has also been
unable to fulfil fixtures as a result of proceedings, and Nunn is
believed to be unhappy with the way the authorities have treated his
outfit.

The court apologised to Paul Crankshaw for the judges opening
statement, in which he was informed that he was 'a habitual criminal'
who saw arrest as 'an occupational hazard' and admitted that the
phrasing came from a previous case. Crankshaw accepted a caution for
his offence which the judge said had been motivated by 'genuine concern
for his teammates, as well as extreme age'. UKSF teammates Allen Parkes
and Kullrad have been discharged from Gelsenkirchen Hospital after
their ordeal, during which they were trapped naked for 4 days in a
warehouse in a 'prank gone wrong'. Teammates TMAK and Horowitz claimed
that it was the result of a 'spelling mistake' and said 'That's the
last time we get Cook to write out the practical joke list'.

One-time UKSF utility man Chopsy has resigned from newsgroup football
following the case, in which he was heavily criticised by the judge for
insisting on including 'superfluous references' to Wigan Athletic, and
will now be taking over the role of Official Correspondent from shadowy
mastermind Paul Chan, still sought by police for his alleged
organisation of some of the events under investigation.

Police have refused to confirm that, as the squad was cleared of
charges, a single ethereal cry of 'Goan The Hoops' rang out across the
courtroom.