On Thu, 10 Jun 2004 20:54:12 GMT, in uk.sport.football cypher
<cypher@home.com> wrote:


June '03

Football supporters are not equipped to hibernate, in either the physical
or mental state. Drawing the blinds on season 2002/2003 induces a
spiritual malaise among followers of the beautiful game. The world keeps
turning as life grinds to a standstill.

--
July '03

Kneedeep in the funk trench, UKSF habitués continue to post, thanks to
the Google Archive we can go back in time and see what they said to each
other. Remember, these were despairing times:

<Historical>


"For the umpteenth time in my short American stay, I have been asked:

"Do you have a 4th of July in the UK?"

Said in a perfectly straight face by my porter today."

</Hysterical>

As I said, despairing times. Incidentally, this was the very first thread
I looked at and not one of the 15 followups were attributed to Joe
Horowitz. Bizarre times too.

Let us take a random selection of thread headers to see how moribund
things had become shall we?

5 Jul 2003 Fucking Buses
7 Jul 2003 Bloody bastard laptops
8 Jul 2003 I'm absolutely crushed
9 Jul 2003 90 Feet from the back of my house
11 Jul 2003 Right, I'm off
14 Jul 2003 I'm eating a slice of coffee and walnut cake
15 Jul 2003 Help. I'm under the patio (again)

As you can see, the people were despondent. Some would try to convince
bystanders they were having the time of their lives but, the appearance
of the 11 Jul 2003 Lurker day! thread aside, they'd be grasping at
straws. Things were due to pick up though, people began to imagine they
could smell Season 2003/2004 on the evening breeze.

21 Jul 2003 Oztips Premier Leage Predictions Competition
22 Jul 2003 Uk wide fantasy league
23 Jul 2003 When is Saturday Comes?
25 Jul 2003 Any decent Fantasy Football?
26 Jul 2003 OZtips reminder
26 Jul 2003 Who is Joe Horowitz?

Oh yes, things were indeed warming up but there were still pockets of
confusion as you can see by that last thread header. Btw, reader from the
future, I am writing this nearly 10 months later and we still haven't
discovered the answer to that one.

--
August '03

[030816] WSC - Paul C
[030823] WSC - Paul C
[030830] WSC - Joe Horowitz

Denizens of UKSF are faced with a glut of competitions to occupy their
time, the new season stretches ahead of them like a satisfied cat.  Life
is good. One of the old (but pretty) head's gives his official stamp to a
handful of these competitions and this particular correspondent joins
them all and hasn't regretted a day of it since. Life would've been less
complicated if he hadn't, these competitions really should include some
sort of sticker warning of the torturous decision making therein and the
schizophrenic implications of Fantasy Football.

Froup regular, Tommo³, formulates a new competition, the vagaries of
which catch several hasty entrants by surprise when they see just how
much money the new owner of Chelsea is splashing around. I would say
everyone who entered this year will do so again next season but the nervy
will leave their entries until the last possible minute to avoid any such
reoccurrence.

The Cubed One brings it all together on his fetching bloat and reveals a
talent for creating topically humourous gifs. I continually castigate the
man in the hope he fixes the broken html at the bottom of his ladder but
my pleas go unheard and I spend most of the season invisible to all
surfing 800x600. This is in the future however, I'm getting ahead of
myself because Tommo³ isn't here to hold me down.

Paul C releases his competition into the wild. With a proven pedigree
this comp is both intricate and guaranteed to be hotly contested
throughout Season 2003/2004. In the face of early contretemps from a
poster who shall remain nameless, Paul remains resolute and the contest
forges ahead on its own merits. At times Paul will be forced to deal with
the tardy updating of a much larger organisation, Yahoo, and this will
cause him some consternation but help will come from an unlikey source.
There exists a man in UKSF who cannot spell to save himself nor formulate
coherent sentences but he is a whizz with statistics, a Savant. On his
nattily attired steed, Beemer, he will ride into battle for Paul and drag
the numbers back by the scruff of the neck. The other regulars will call
him `cunt' for his troubles but he reads like he writes and he reads
`love'. The Lobsters, The Otters and The Randy Rabbits will duke it out
in their respective divisions for the right to face the best teams from
each for the prestigious UKSF Champions' League Trophy. Those who fail to
make the upper echelons will fight for places in the highly respected
UKSF Cup.

There are 3 possible outcomes to a game of Football. Allowing for the
vagaries of postponement and Internationals there are usually 10 matches
per weekend. You have 30 permutations at your disposal. Good teams can
lose a game that is there for the taking, inept sides can squeak a draw
if their striker is Louganis-inspired inside the box. Picking a result is
by no means easy but as soon as the indefatigueable Paul C sets up the
UKSF OzTips Competition 25 intrepid souls sign on the dotted line and
start polishing their crystal balls. You'd think some had used an oily
rag. Both Paul and Tommo will keep competitors informed of developments
throughout the season with regular updates.

In an alternate world, CD Comics publish the trials and tribulations of
Supreman, Batmna, Sipderman and a host of other Superheores. At exactly
the moment a beautiful man had a beautiful idea, two worlds collided and
a beautiful competition was born. To be sure, there was early
confusion:

"What's a Superheor?"

To be fair, the question was rhetorical, you could accuse UKSFers of many
things but stupidity isn't one of them. Many of us sat a GLANSA test and
were pronounced less than 50% gay.

MikeyC is a clever bastard though, don't let anyone tell you different.
As soon as he set up Superheores he sat back and let Yahoo do all the leg
work. That takes some clever. Throwing down the gauntlet he posted some
reverse psychology:

<standing on an Atlantean plinth>


"I agree.  I'm becoming increasingly concerned that I might not win loads
of stuff this season.  I'd hate that."

</*glub*glub*>

--
September '03

[030913] WSC - Paul C
[030920] WSC - Paul C
[030927] WSC - Paul C

The season is well under way and Arsenal's run at the Premiership title
is already a lost cause, they have failed to lose a game yet and their
chances are growing bleaker by the week. Bumrape and kicking Mikey in the
head were debatable topics earlydoors, Tommo³ informs us Vlad is leading
his comp and Barrett wants to de-wind his sails before the poor bastard
even gets out of the harbour. Harmony, everything as it should be. The CL
Sweepstake is also brought to our attention, officially sanctioned by the
Town Crier himself, 24 people join up. There should be more next season,
there are several names missing from the list who have since become a
presence in the froup. An outsider looking for football information had a
wide range of on-topic subjects to choose from:

1 Sep 2003 The thing about fat people
2 Sep 2003 Toilet pixies
5 Sep 2003 Ben's hot bitches
10 Sep 2003 My Grandma and My Brother
12 Sep 2003 My Kind of Morning
14 Sep 2003 I want to enlarge my penis
22 Sep 2003 Fucking Spurs Cunts

That last one must've been a crosspost, I'm sure we have someone figuring
out a way to make sure it doesn't happen again.

By month's end the Dauntless are giving it feisty elbow to everyone in
OzTips, the Digits are topscoring prior to their imminent implosion and
the green background on Paul C's Champion's League webpipe has driven 6
lurkers insane.

--
October '03

[031004] WSC - Joe Horowitz
[031018] WSC - Paul C
[031024] WSC - Cypher

The month kicks off with a minute's silence for Gary Brew. Few knew Gary
by sight but many were familiar with the sound of his voice on their
answering machines. His calls were a cry for help but his messages were
seldom returned, that's just how it is in a hurly-burly world. Some folk
refuse to believe Gary's dead at all, some say they saw a man ranting
about the cellular network disappearing into a phonebox in Ipswich and
never come out.

Paul C bjorks his weekly OzTips predictions, fearing his 5 missed wins
may cost him the title come season end if he is up with the leaders he
uses Google to archive his beef. I've come along from the future, havin'
a butchers, to say its all downhill from here, mate. Steeply.

Banter between Fantasy managers is of the cocksure variety, there is some
mention of those cunts over in RSS putting in a decent run of luck but
within the confines of UKSF we only tip our hats to skill. For a brief
moment in time Serious Tiger leads the CL Sweepstake and Cunningham
determines November to be the month for psychological games.

I break my WSC cherry and have probably never agonised over something
I've written quite so much. It is a good experience, I reccomend it to
anyone and as we find out later in the season the sweetness that is WSC
gets seen by more than just the posters and lurkers of UKSF. Something to
keep in mind. It hasn't been called the Most Famous Thread in All of
Usenet for nothing.

Gaffer Joe Horowitz releases the UKSF XI team sheet for the upcoming game
against Greenock Morton.

--

November '03

[031101] WSC - Moog
[031108] WSC - TonyMac
[031122] WSC - Ben Nunn
[031129] WSC - Moog

UKSF has always had class but November saw BTN drop to his knee, fossick
his wallet and arise a Knight of the Realm. Some poor sods toil away
lending a hand in the community for 30 or 40 years before receiving such
an Honour but Sir Benjamin Nunn fastracked his with £200, he has,
however, been known to offer the destitute at least one of his fingers,
sometimes two, just never the whole hand. Sir Benjamin is well known for
his contrariness, unlike some of his fellow Knights, Sir Benjamin got the
knighthood then set about making plans for managing a football team.

November was a profane time for posters, a bad month for Christian
lurkers:

1 Nov 2003 Oh Fuckity Fuck....
2 Nov 2003 Boo! Cunts!
4 Nov 2003 It must be just me, or my computer's fucked
10 Nov 2003 Stress and other cunting life problems
10 Nov 2003 It's our turn to be the jammy cunts

With the horrors of the Testicular Cancer thread still fresh in the mind
lads where keen to keep the subject of gonads alive:

6 Nov 2003 OZTIPS Bollocks
6 Nov 2003 Yahoo Bollocks
7 Nov 2003 Fantasie Fussballen

The UKSF XI take out Greenock Morton 4-3 and Correspondent Paul C
notifies everyone he will step back from knocking out WSCs for the
forseeable future. The WSC is not a task to be undertaken lightly,
several young 'uns have recently stepped forward to test their mettle,
anyone who has fumbled for the WSC clit could scarcely blame him for
taking a breather.

UKSF decides Nunn doesn't need a tattoo.

--

December '03

[031206] WSC - Poleson
[031213] WSC - OscarG
[031220] WSC - Victoria Barrett
[031228] WSC - Demosthenes

Christmas, a time for giving, but the good folk of UKSF aren't giving an
inch. Especially Poleson.

The first alternative stats are introduced, designed to complement
OscarG's regular posting of the bald facts. It is worth mentioning that
in both statistical analysii Horowitz usually remains the apexual Fairy
but for November '03 Moog pipped him 465 v 463 in OscarG's stats. Odd, I
don't recall this happening but Google never lies unless they were lies
in the first place.

December is usually an arse of a month, we are inundated by advertisers
after our money and the insinuation to conform to this cuntwank is all
pervasive. Over the years I've heard enough people complain about it but
even those of us with the strongest of convictions get sucked in. How
else can you account for the massed hordes in cities the world over
buying shit they don't want to buy for people who don't really want the
shit they are buying. Face it, we all want stuff but the stuff ain't
socks and soaps, its games, stereo equipment, big screen tvs, cars, twin
sisters. Someone once said `it is the thought that counts' and I agree,
I'd be a lot happier listening to someone say `I thought about getting
you something' so I could say `yeah, cool, same here' than I am having to
get effusive about a gift I don't want. Face it twice, the fucker giving
you the gift knows you well, they know you want a 60 inch TV so where the
fuck is it?

The Gaffer announces his impending retirement, sad times.

Steve H rounds off 2003 with `Happy New Year, you cunts' and I challenge
anyone to improve on it.

--

January '04

[040106] WMC - Tony McChrystal
[040110] WSC - Ben Nunn
[040117] WSC - Demosthenes
[040124] WFACSC - Ben Nunn
[040131] WSC - Moog

The FA brushes the tinsel from the pelmet, flings back the curtains and
opens the transfer window. I'm sure many FF managers spent some time
looking for the new blood over at Yahoo, I know I did.

UKSF witnessed the passing of the Gaffer baton from Joe Horowitz to Ben
Nunn. To put this into real world terms, try and imagine Ghandi handing
Idi Amin a rose only to see Idi bite the head off it and thank him for
the thorny stick. This is not an exaggeration. Horowitz supplied the new
Gaffer with a list of his current squad before bidding adieu, for
posterity here it is:

1      Skyjam
2      Poleson
3      Nunn  (c)
4      Tommocubed
5      Crankshaw
6      Parkes
7      JdS
8      Cook
9      ST
10    Cunningham
11    Dat
12    OscarG
13    Barrett
14    Gra
15    Demo
16    McChrystal
17    Moog
18    Kullrad
19    Cypher
20    Sprout
21    Vincent
22    Adam HS
23    BigJimSlade
24
25    Richard Wingrove
26    Ian Childs
27    For example John Smith
28    Slumpy

Number 24 has been retired in honour of the late, lazaritic Gary Brew.

It was the end of a Golden Age in UKSF, it was also the last of the
summer wine. The new Gaffer was determined to tip over the barrel of
lovemonkeys he'd been handed and crush his own grapes of wrath. Only
time will tell how this turns out.

--

February '04

[040206] WSC - Cypher
[040214] WFAC5thRC - Ben Nunn
[040221] WSC - Doc Gonz0
[040226] WSC - Moog

It was about this time WSC respondents began to noticeably treat her with
a cavalier attitude. I'm as guilty as anyone, I always read them but
occasionally I mark her as unread with the intention of replying later
and fail to do so. There is no excuse really, if I keep adding to other
threads in the meantime then surely I have time to squeeze her tits too.
I will make a concerted effort next season to reply to all of them even
if its only a few brief words appreciating that week's Correspondent and
my scores.

A quick scan of the headers reveals the inestimable Poleson supplying the
first mention of the now famous Gay Test. None who read UKSF regularly
will ever be able to look at an innocent percentage rating again without
first subliminally attaching a gay rating. This has consigned UKSF-
lurking homophobic surfers of the movie review site Rotten Tomatoes to a
lifetime of misinterpreting a movie's merit. "96% for Return of The
King???11!1"...oh right, Ian Mckellen.

http://test3.thespark.com/gaytest/

or if that link is dead:

http://www.bennunn.com/images/btnpierced.jpg

--

March '04

[O40313] WSC - Victoria Barrett
[040320] WSC - Chopsy

I could only find two entries for WSC during March. Mikey had long
disappeared with all his beauty products and we were left emptyhanded
when the time came to moisturise her pretty face. Barrett found the time
to release what will probably go down in UKSF annals as the Stat-heaviest
WSC of them all. My nose was bleeding by the time I got to the end of it,
but she achieved this while juggling exam work and driving longhaul 20
hours straight. Chopsy stepped up to the plate and pushed several fingers
through the WSC maidenhead, making a good fist of it. These were thorny
days along the rocky UKSF coastline, gnarled old posters squared off
against each other over the incumbent Gaffer, stances were taken, groynes
exposed and breasts bared and beaten.

I lay awake at night listening to posters tearing out handfuls of their
pubes and wailing imprecations at all and sundry but mostly Nunn. Tbh,
this probably started in February but that month only had 29 days this
year, not nearly enough time to draw a clear silhouette around his
birthright. I watched with chagrin as folk chipped away at one another
and wondered if relationships would survive, thankfully they have. It is
a measure of this froup that one can go from disparaging a fellow poster
to agreeing with the same poster in the same fucking post, at times it
can be quite schizophrenic in nature, at least that is how me and cypher
feel.

I have struggled with this End of the Season Review. I started off on a
track that you have read up until now and it has locked me into a linear
path, much like the Rainbow Six games. Anyone who has played this series
will know what I mean, after experiencing Morrowind it is intolerable to
not be able to go to that far off mountain in the distance or swim out to
an offshore island. I'm breaking my self-appointed shackles or I will
never get this finished.

April and May were Quite/Shirt/Indeed and everything else in between.
Competitions were won and lost, the winners were worthy and the losers to
a fault were humble in defeat. WSC resurfaced in time, especially after
we found out more people than previously thought kept an eye out for her.
On one crazy day there were no less than 3 posted. Next season I expect
her to be treated with more respect, to be wooed, courted, petted
heavily. Instead of looking back on 2003/2004 as a season where WSC
nearly went the way of the dinosaurs we should look on it as a time of
transition, a time when the WSC scrolls were passed from the hands of her
creator to the outstretched hands of the assembled masses. It is up to us
to stroke the sacred papyri and continue tradition.

I have been active here almost a year now, a lurker on and off for much
longer. Joining in the fray is something not to be taken lightly if you
want to be taken seriously. That may sound strange considering this is
more of a comedic variety show that anywhere else I can think of but I
think most of you will know what I mean. It is hella funny watching new
posters crack a bottle of champagne on the edge of UKSF and we have seen
quite a number introduce themselves this season. I remember a time before
the likes of Chopsy, GreedyG, Guppings, Os and Sid, just to name a few,
showed up and began polluting the froup with their nonsense and I'm glad
they did. Watching someone new dip their toes in the water is very
interesting, some appear out of nowhere wearing clownshoes, and I'm
thinking of Tronc when I say this!

UKSF, the pub at the end of the road where anything goes and very little
gets left unsaid, ILTCOYJ.

Roll on 2004/2005

Take care.

--
(19) Cypher
--