In article <b3mkah$1oqj67$1@ID-146919.news.dfncis.de>, Joe 
Horowitz says...


==
Newcastle v Chelsea


In a game both teams are absolutely dying to win there will 
be major concern for the season ticket holder in seat Q 14. 
He honestly believes his wife is having an affair with his 
brother. Normally it wouldn't bother him, he likes to watch 
her shag strange men from the wardrobe, but his brother is 
only 14 and should really be wanking four or five times a 
day. It's just not fair, when Q 14 was a teenager he never 
got to shag 23 year old nymphomaniacs. The whole carry on 
will entirely distract him from the game.

A draw.

==
Blackburn v Man City


It's a little known fact that Souness is a HUGE fan of 
UKSF. His favourite poster was always avid Blackburn Rovers 
supporter Chris Raistrick. Greame is truly saddened that 
the great man no longer posts here anymore. As a mark of 
respect, and a secret hope that the gesture might bring him 
back, the ill-tempered stupid jock has ordered all his 
players to have the legend 'R.I.P. Chris Raistrick' 
tattooed to their inside legs. Each time a goal is scored 
by a Rovers player they must run towards Chris' empty seat 
and lift their leg in his honour. 

Obviously this, frankly bizarre, tactic will confuse 
Keegan's troops into submission and Blackburn will win 
healthily.

==
Fulham v Sunderland


What in God's name is wrong with the music industry these 
days? Between 1970-72 Black Sabbath released four of the 
greatest rock albums of all time. These days it takes a 
band two or three years to think of a name for their 
crappy, commercialised, unoriginal boring shite. I bet Al 
Fayed wouldn't put up with it if he was in charge of the 
music business. 

Sgt. Wilko will send an army of mutant potatoes to Craven 
Cottage, blissfully unaware that the Cottagers now play at 
Loftus Rd. Does anybody call them the Loftussers now? I 
think they should. Still, the Roadies should beat the Black 
Cats, once they find the right ground.

==
Middlesbrough v Everton


Have I ever told you about my grandfather, Robbie, or Da da 
as we used to call him? He was a legendary drinker back in 
his prime, he served in the Navy during the war, WWII that 
is. He was a successful fisherman, skippering his own boat 
until he got a job skippering a ferry for the Shetland 
Islands Council until he retired. He's now in his mid-80s, 
he's diabetic, half blind and crippled with arthritis. His 
wife, Janie, passed away about 6 or 7 years ago now and he 
lives in a sheltered housing scheme. He is a funny man.

Once, just before his 80th birthday my cousin, Alison, 
asked him, 'Robbie, what would you like for your birthday 
this year?'
Robbie, 'PUSSY!'

And that should be enough to give Everton a lucky victory.

==
Southampton v West Brom

Player in the frame: James Beattie- he just keeps scoring. How does he do
it?


By putting the ball in the net. It's a concept so simple 
ikey could almost grasp it.

Does anyone wonder what Keegan's middle name is? I think it 
would be funny if it was Keith. Strachan's could be Andrew, 
that'd be a right gas. 

Soton to win.

==
West Ham Utd   v  Tottenham


I used to have a soft spot for West Ham, you know, just cos 
Doc Gonz0 is such a sweetiepie. But, the more they hang on 
to Roeder in the hope he can get them out off the bottom 
three the more pathetic I think they are. Cue Ron Hickey:-

BROWN OUT

ROEDER OUT

The cunts deserve whatever they get. Cuntflaps.

Spurs Hammer Irons. Sounds like a sale at the blacksmiths.

==
Arsenal   v  Charlton  (W)


Hey, Joe, where you goin' with that (W) in your hand?

Astounding draw for the plucky Gunners against the 
abominable Addicks.

==
Aston Villa v Birmingham


Did I tell you that I did a radio show once? It was the 
Radio Shetland Friday Rock Show, they used to let any cunt 
on for an hour on Friday to play whatever they wanted. 
Nearly. This was during the first gulf war and I wanted to 
play 'War Pigs' by way of protest, but the bastards 
wouldn't let me. And Ben Nunn thinks he has it hard. 
Fuck nozzles.

Will this game go down in history as Bloody Brumday?

a draw.


p.s. Michael Cunningham is a true gentleman, an artist, a 
visionary, a man of peace and harmony, a Talisman for our 
troubled times and he gives great head.
-- 
rob at rjp.clara.net

Fuck.